He has turned my mourning into Dancing!

So as much as I want to sleep, and as much as I need sleep, I need to get somethings said...

GOD IS SOOOOO GREAT!!!!

I mean, its already been a year since John died, but then again it has only been a year! What was unthinkable at this very moment last year happened, John went to be with Jesus, but even greater......What was unthinkable was how God was going to prove His faithfulness, His mercy, His love, His comfort, His power, His amazing restoration. And He has. I can't explain it, but I don't imagine anybody can, because God does the impossible, its what He's good at.

I last talked to John Dec 25th, 2007 at approx 10:40 p.m. Crazy but when your brother dies you tend to remember odd details (but then again I forget some details too). It's weird, having grown up with your best friend, knowing them every second of your life, and then one day, it just goes away. But then, what an awesome testimony it is that God fills that void. Come on, He is the friend that is closer than a brother! God has done so many things in my heart alone, not to mention the countless others that have been changed as well. And for those things I would not have John in exchange. I miss John, I always will. But God is greater still, and if losing John means more of God, then I'll take it.

While John's death was devastating, it caused me to turn to the Redeemer.
While John's death broke my heart, it allowed the Healer of the broken to come in.
While John's death could have stolen my joy, God instead promised a fullness of Joy.
While John's death separated me from one that I love, it drove me closer to The Love.
While John's death dug into my heart, it gave way for overflowing waters to dwell.

I was reading a few days ago the 43rd chapter of Isaiah* (I highly recommend it!) and it was jumping off the page at me! Everything was so true to what God does and so much of it I have witnessed this past year dealing with John's death. It even starts out "But God..."! Just like what I wrote earlier, those few lines up there, about how horrible it seemed, but how with God it was created for good! And it continues.... that I am His, I have been redeemed, that when the waters come (for they will come), that they should not overcome me! Which they have not, Praise Jesus! And as I have walked through the fire, I have not been burned, nor consumed by its flame. God has protected! That He has made a way through the sea, through the mighty waters, because I know He has, He has led me through it! "Behold for He is doing a new thing" and boy when He does a new thing He does a new thing! He does not hold back. Just as He says that he will make a way and streams in the desert. Here is the blessing, but do we perceive it? Because He wants us to! And then the funny thing was that Isaiah 43 is exactly what Pastor David Reynolds taught on the Sunday after John died, and I listened to it last night and every word of comfort that God spoke through David, I could now confirm that God has been true to His promises. God has a way of doing that!

I have been finding out that God uses water (fountains, rivers, wells, etc) to speak to me often and here's just one thing that He has showed me lately. A dear friend a few weeks ago shared with me how when she looks at me she sees a deep well, which is no credit to me because it is only by what Christ has done! But the response I had came straight from God that I needed to hear: Do you know how long it took to dig that well, how empty that well had to be before it could overflow with Living waters? Zing! And ever since then it is amazing just how the picture of a water well can relate to what God is doing inside of me. God takes things, like John's death, to dig in deeper to me, even though it hurts and gets evermore closer to my center. But God wants even more room to give me His Fullness of Joy, because the deeper that He digs me, the more abundantly He can overflow :) How great! That only when we know the depths of true suffering and sacrifice (something like an empty well) it is then that we can see that much more of True Joy (A huge reservoir full of water)!!! I can sometimes get carried away with symbolism..... :o)

So Prayers are still needed for the family, because though God has done so much already, there is still much to be done! But Praise and Thank Him because prayers have already been answered!

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness!" Psalm 30:11

*Isaiah 43: 1-4, 16, 19

Lesson's from a Step-Ladder

So as I sit here trying to enjoy a few last moments of summer before heading off to College Station (CS) I am reminiscient of how this summer has turned out. I really wasn't looking forward to coming home this past May, with Laura being in Europe, weird stuff happening at home, and my church family and friends all in CS. But God has used this time, too, as character building/refining time and has given so many blessings while I was home in Kerrville.

My Dad owns and operates a small retail paint business that I work at while I am at home (and always have). Every summer, along with our everyday work, I have projects to work on improving the store, like putting in new floors, painting the outside of the building, scrapping texture off the ceilings etc. and this summer I worked on painting quite a bit and scrapping a ceiling. It was during some of these times that I would listen to some commentary teachings about my daily bible reading. For hours painting the ceiling I would meditate on the Word or just allow God to teach me while I prayed and listened. I would get so full of God's presence up on the step-ladder I was on! God was drawing me closer towards Him during that time and it was so precious. If nothing else happened this summer, just the awesome way that God had planned for me to meet with Him everyday on that step-ladder was such a blessing to know that God is still not done with me yet and keeps molding me into the woman He wants me to be.

One of the best highlights of the summer was FCA Camp. I actually worked three: Abilene, A&M, and Baylor. Each camp was so special with just an amazing outpouring of the Spirit upon each one and so many memories and friends were made that I will always treasure in my heart. Being a huddle leader with a small group of middle/high school girls gave me so many opportunities to share the gospel and see how God can use even me to reach those who need Him. I absolutely love camp and will always have a special place in my heart for the ministries of FCA and their goal of glorifying the Saviour in all things.

So being home means confining to parental rule again which I don't really mind but it definitely took some time to get used to again. But other things with faimly issues kept getting to me. Its not that I don't have a great family who loves the Lord, but sometimes selfishness, hurt, and a lack of freedom in one generation can create confusion and disturb the peace that only God can bring and carry over to the next generation. I have had to forgive my parents from childhood, and I keep having to forgive them and honor God with my attitude and respect of them. My older brother John and I used Romans 8:28 to help us live without bitterness or rebellion towards our childhood/family issues as we would say that "all things work for good to those who are called accoding to His purpose". Even now, when trials are present in any aspect, I have to give it to the One who has offered to take my heaviness of heart and put it in my "All things together for good" file., knowing that He is using this to polish my heart and show me His faithfulness. John and I chose that the generational curse would not continue past us, that we would chose God's best and allow forgiveness even for the deepest of wounds. Sometimes I don't understand, but I want God to be able to use any situation to teach me His ways and refine me. So this summer had some downright low spots for our family but I want to put it all in my file so that God can work good out of it.

I have also had time to ponder career choices and life-decisions in those lonely moments ontop the step-ladder. While I love learing about health issues and helping others get medical help I really don't want a "career". I've thought before that God wanted me to go into missions, which still might be a possibility someday, but I know one thing that I want more than anything else and thats to be a mom. I know it sounds corny but I have always wanted to just be a Godly mom who brings her children up in the light of the Word. I want to be growing a mission field in my own home and pour God's love into my own children. I guess thats not what God has for me now, and probably not for a long time considering the state of my singleness, but it won't keep me from praying for them now. Whatever else God has for me will be great, but I know that God has made me to be a mom and putting that desire in my heart is such a great feeling. And learning about health will help me take care of my future family someday, how great :)

So just a few more hours until I leave for this upcoming semester in College Station and I can hardly wait for it to get started :D God has so many great things planned for me already and I am excited to see how God will be drawing me closer in towards Him and using me as an empty vessel to carry His good news. May I just be willing to surrender to Him in all things and allow Him to shine through me. Thank you to everyone who helped make this summer great for me =)

Such a time as this

Now is the time that I need my older brother
Now is the time I need to look into his crystal eyes and see Jesus
To know exactly what to do and what to say and how to say it

Being able to talk to the one person in the world that knows me the best
Being able to tell him the glorious things that have happened
And telling him the promises that have been revealed.

To be given the chance to cry in his arms
Laugh out loud in his car
And dance like fools in his room for Jesus again.

To see the "glow" that his face had for the Lord
To experience his smile that spoke volumes of Joy
To embrace the hug that felt like I was hugging Jesus

Right now is the time that I always thought I would have with John
Time to sit and tell him about my day, that day, one day
To hear him pray over me with such a peace
To hear him speak Words of Truth into my situation

But I know the Lord God has a perfect plan
I have heard that He has for me a Hope and a Future
That Jesus, who knows me, loves me, better than John ever could,
Is right here, right now, for such a time as this.

The Friend that is closer than a brother
Is the One who makes my heart sing a new song
The only One who could ever be my everything
My Saviour, My Jesus, the One who takes delight in me
Is here with me to comfort and lead me
Wrap me up in His loving arms and speak life into my soul once more

Jesus is here to look into my eyes
Laugh with me through the Joyous times
Dance with me in the moonlight
And be everything I need forever.


---Lord Jesus I adore Thee,
I will ever praise you
Be my Light in the Darkness
and the Center of my Life---

Brothers are wonderful :0)

I wish everyone's brothers could be as cool as my brothers. I love getting to see them! John and Kellen are just awesome people to know and I can't even imagine having to grow up without at least one of them in my life. Even though John isn't here, I still have the memories of us growing up and now that I get to see Kellen doing the same things that we did, it just makes me smile and thank God for the chance to be a sister to such awesome men of God. I came home from my second week of FCA camp at A&M and my little brother (age 9) wants to tell me about what God has been teaching him in the book of Jonah. I mean, he was saved at age 5, baptized at 7 and I have been praying that God would place that desire in his heart to start reading the Bible, not for knowledge, but for allowing God to start changing his heart now at a young age. He's just the coolest and its so awesome to see him surrending his life over to the Lord and see his heart for God's word!

When I come home, the one person that I want to hang out with most is my little brother, either having water fights, watching movies, playing video games, or playing sports with him in our front yard. Someone has said about Kellen that he's a 30 year-old in a 9 year-old body which is mainly true. He has maturity and intelligence far beyond his years (mostly), but he's the one person that I can be 100% Katie around. Not that I'm not a real person around everyone else, its just that Kellen and I think the same way, kinda like how John and I always were. I've always said that my brothers were my best friends and I always hope they are. (Don't worry Laura---you're on the same level :) John was that older brother who was always looking out for me, showing me more of Jesus each day and being that laugh when I needed one. And now Kellen is growing up with a heart for God just like John and I am too excited to see how Kellen turns out. This is the same dude that goes and prays to God at recess before he plays with his friends and then talks to God while he's fishing down at the creek. God has just flat-out filled him with His spirit and I love getting to see His face light up for Jesus!

There are just no words to explain how much I love my brothers and how awesome God has moved in both of their lives. I just have to praise God for giving me these awesome brothers and giving all of us His spirit so that we could and can have true fellowship! Sometimes I'm just so proud of both of them and I don't even know what to say....like when my little brother started witnessing to one of his classmates about Jesus and handed him a Bible! I was completely blown away by how much boldness God has given Kellen and it gave me encouragement to do more like that. I know this sounds corny but its just like how God told us in the Psalms "Behold, how good and how pleasant [it is] for brethren to dwell together in unity!"

So....my brothers are awesome and thats just the way it is!

God is more than enough..

God understands me, even when no one cares to
God sees the depths of my heart when everyone sees my smile,
He knows the despair of my groanings when every tear falls,
And hears my cry, the moment I call out,

God strengthens my soul when I have no more strength to carry on,
He feeds me when I'm empty, brings me living water to thirst upon,
God lightens the burden I carry until no more burden is felt,
He uproots the confusion and restores my sight,

God controls the pen of my life's story,
And it's full of suspense,

He's all I need forever, because He'll never leave me,
He truly is the friend that is closer than a brother,
Because when no one else is around, when no one else understands,
He loves me as His own, I am His treasure,
The joy set before Him, the reason He came,

I can rest knowing that the Lord of all Creation is my Father,
And He made me, loves me, and wants to be with me always,
He enjoys me, delights in me and graces me with His blessings,

What a special place You have given me
Oh, that You are more than enough for me even in this time,
That Your love is everlasting and steadfast,
Abounding to me in all things.

אמונה (Faithfulness)

Let me just say that I want to be faithful. God has shown his beautiful love and faithfulness to me and sometimes I just want to be able to sit at His feet and seek Him more. I see alot of Christians (myself included) going about their everyday lives in churches, bible studies, what-have-you but they don't have that hunger for God. They don't long to be in His presence and hear Him speak to their hearts. I want God to give me His heart for His desires and that he would give me the grace to have the faithfulness to follow Him to the ends of the earth.

The greek word for faithfulness, 'emuwnah, means security and fulfillment of promises. When I am able to fully surrender my heart over to Christ, God gives me a great feeling of security in which I feel absolutely invincible. Every morning I want to receive a full portion of the new mercies of the Lord and proclaim His great faithfulness.

"But this I call to mind,and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,“therefore I will hope in him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for him,to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietlyfor the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:21-26

The day that changed my life forever...

It has only been a month since December 27th, 2007, but it seems like an entire lifetime ago.

There are no words to describe what John meant to me. Words like brother, best friend, mentor, etc. just cannot convey what John really was and will always be for me. I guess you could say that he was the other half of my heart. He and I could complete each other's sentences and we had the same memories/thoughts about life and could always muster up laughs about ourselves. He meant alot to many, but only a few of us had our hearts taken apart bit by bit and reassembled. For me, it wasn't just a broken heart, but a schredded heart, something that only God could put back together. And is still putting back together. If it were not for the Hope of Glory, Christ, I would be a complete wreck at this moment. It's bad enough as it is. Except for God and my relationship with Him, John was the most important thing in my life.

When I first heard about John's death my first thought was to praise God in all circumstances: meaning at this time too. I have to continue to praise God for His goodness. I know that God had a beautiful purpose in His timing of John's death and I can never be upset with God for"letting this terrible thing happen". I am so thankful that John was in my immediate family, that we shared so much, and that we could both fellowship together in Spirit and in truth. God has given me so much and is continuing to bless me and my family through this.

The biggest help has been through our wonderful church. Let me just say that these people are truly my spiritual family. No one holds a better place in my heart than those at Calvary Chapel Aggieland that know and love me. The Spirit has put a special outpouring of His love there and besides being with my real family, they there is no place I would rather be than at my second home. I feel like such a special person when I am around these people, their joy and hope is so contagious! Laura and I have grown so much closer as sisters and I am so glad that we can both support each other to look to God during this time. She is such a joy to have here in College Station as well as Katelan and Meredith. They are so good to me, they let me bunk out at their house all the time and never complain or kick me out. John's close friends are also so good to hear from time to time as older brothers telling me funny stories about him. That was one of the best things at the visitation service in College Station---having his friends to tell the weird and wacky stories about John to make me laugh and remember John as he was. I can't tell these people thank you enough for their love and care for me as a fellow sister in Christ!

I have been listening to the song "Glorious Day" by Todd Agnew today and it is so true that Jesus is coming back and it will be such a glorious day. John inspired all of us to daily take our cross and live for Jesus and just think about the joy that John is sharing with Jesus at this very moment. God is magnificient in ALL His ways and He loves us and has adopted us into His fold. Death is not the end because those of us who are saved will rise again in Christ and live forever with the Trinity in the Heavenly places. Like I said before, but for the hope of glory, Christ in me, my life would be a total wreck. All of my life I want to be to the Glory of God and that every breath I breathe to be sweet worship to my Savior. He is everything I will ever need and that I have to surrender all of my pineapples*(people, ambitions, dreams, goals, materials) to Him and that He will bring what I need.

And even when I feel like life shouldn't be moving on, it does, and will continue to. Life is still worth living, now more than ever---all for the glory of God and the saving of souls. Each morning God's mercies are new and my purpose is still clear in Him. I will continue to pursue the prize set before me with all perserverance and hope that God has promised and that He is faithful! Praise God for His work in my life and for the wonderous things He allowed John to be apart of and the things He did through John.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us." Ephesians 3:20

*Listen to the Pineapple Story by Otto Koning

ChristmasTime

What an amazing Christmas it was!

Though I had about two weeks before Christmas to be home, work, decorate, etc, it never felt like Christmas until John got home Christmas eve. Then it was Christmas. We stayed up (sorta) watching The Christmas Story like we do every year and trying to figure out what are in those packages under our tree. I love our family and how everytime of year is great but that the holidays are that much more special.

My dad really likes to go have breakfast at IHOP (when we lived in Midland) and then Inn of the Hills in Kerrville. So we woke up at about 8 and consumed vast amounts of food (not a good idea before opening presents) and then began the wondrous task of opening gifts. After dozens of gifts, many looks of amazement and countless sighs, the ordeal was over....or was it. Do you ever have the feeling that you got alot of stuff that you like but still not anything that you wanted in particular? Just as my mom and I were about to begin cleaning up the wrapping paper shreds and bags my dad had appeared with a black case in the shape of a guitar. Yep...just was I thought....only days before had dad mentioned something about how they "were trying to cut back this year" as we passed a music store with a somewhat sarcastic tone in his voice. O Happy Day....now John can start teaching me how to play alot more than just once in a while.

Christmas Dinner was already cooking and now was the time to finish up the dressing, pies, potatoes, etc. So after watching our favorite version of A Christmas Carol, and more consumption of holiday goodies our family does what it does best......nap. Everyone except for Kellen of course who remained awake from 7:30 to late that night. Yet after all of our naps we headed off to a basball field at an old middle school to play some family baseball. It was really a version of a home run derby (I guess we could call it a hitting derby) but we played just the same. Kellen won :) with 16 hits before being struck out with three strikes but dad and I came in close with 14 hits. Not that it really matters because John played soft only getting 11 hits.

We were sorry to see John go that night at 10:30 but it was all just such a wonderful day and he did have to go to work the next day. John called me about 20 minutes later because he ran into the Calvary Chapel Pastor of New Braunfels getting gas and was so excited.

Christmas is more than gifts, food and family, but its about fellowship amongst believers in the assurance of Christ. I have been thinking about the promises that God makes and that He ALWAYS fulfills them. God is the author and finisher of our faith and that He will complete every good work that He has started. The purpose of Christmas was a fulfillment of God's love to His people. It brings joy and hope to all, salvation to any who would receive it. That's why Christmas is celebrated. Not just for the gifts and the family, but that Christ came to earth to save sinners and that he came to bring me an everlasting life.

I love this time of year and I love Christmas but I love each and everyday of my life because I get to talk to my Lord and walk in His presence. Having the Holy Spirit makes each day purposeful and a joy to live spreading the good news. Praise Jesus for coming to bring peace in my heart and joy in my life.